‘I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand’ ~ Iris, Goo Goo Dolls.
So I had my friend over from England this weekend and it was really nice apart from one moment ~ a guy told me that I was fat and ugly. And it was like being punched in the face, repeatedly. You see I’ve always had weight issues that ruined my self esteem and this low self esteem has massively contributed to my life, the way I perceive things and contributed positively to my determination to support those around me. So recently I’ve been eating salad and running every day to try and loose weight and I’ve had much better self esteem. Also, I really wanted to pick up some of the modelling opportunities I’ve had, especially after loosing some weight. Plus being in Spain has majority helped me to realise that I will never be good enough for some people back in England, but at the end of the day that is their loss. Therefore, to be told that I’m fat and ugly didn’t really sit very well with me, in fact it brought back a lot of emotions I’ve been slowly getting over for the last three years. Not only that but I find it really difficult to talk about as it’s so embarrassing for me, to think that THAT is how people perceive me and have my worst fears confirmed. This meant I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because they’re all stunning, recognised by society, and so they would never have experienced something like this and so to talk about it to them would be mortifying.
My first reaction was very me, I thought to myself I’m just going to hold my head up high and ignore it. Then I started to assess the implications, like clearly that’s how people perceive me and no wonder people in the past haven’t wanted to be friends with me if that’s what I am. Which makes the spiral happen into negativity and makes it really difficult to even leave the house because that’s clearly how people view me. It also makes me realise that some of the hopes I’ve had for the future are clearly stupid, I need to lower my expectations 😂
Sadly, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me but it is the first time I’ve actually talked about it. And it breaks my heart that one comment can take me from a positive place to a negative place but it is a reminder that everything we say affects people. Now I’m in for a difficult week as I’m on my own with no uni and my friends here in Madrid have gone home for Easter, which means I’m going to need everything ounce of my positivity to pull me through. Also, going to see my friends in Toulouse has had some of the shine taken out of it because I’m already so aware of the attractiveness differences between us, but this adds to it. However, after the negative dip I’m sure I will only come out stronger and more determined to accept who I am.
So this is a reminder to always think about what you say before you say it, and if you judge someone for their appearance then you should take MJs advice and look in the mirror. As for anyone that has experienced similar nasty comments from anyone, hold your head up my love because you are more than just one comment, you’re more than how you look in the mirror and you’re more than the sad people who only value appearance. Instead of being upset by them, feel sorry for them that they are so insecure about themselves that they have to put other people down to feel good about themselves and their own looks. And if someone doesn’t want you because you aren’t attractive enough, fuck them because they clearly aren’t good enough for you.
I’m ready to battle the negativity and get back to my positivity. I think this is a good time to share,
I always considered if it exists
Then I met you
And I knew it did
But you left.
And my idea of love with you.
Until I realised,
It was possibly to love
Not only another person,
Because we are all worthy of love
Especially from ourselves.
And that’s when I knew,
Love can exist
Even when it’s not from you.
Also Paramore, Hate to see your heart break is a really appropriate song for this post ❤️
Love always, Kirsty ox